A New Year! A time to start anew - make changes, avoid the same pitfalls! Or...forget all that in a few days and go back to the same ol' habits. So far, we have been doing a bit of both. Being better, doing better, changing - it's all harder than we think it will be.
When Aaron and I sat down to list our goals for the year, I had a hard time coming up with anything. Not I feel complete by any stretch of the imagination; I think it's the opposite, actually. Feeling so inadequate that the list of improvements I wish to make is completely overwhelming. I am working on, though. I really am.
Since I am going to be the only one who reads this here is my list:
1) Start school in the summer. Still not sure on what career path to choose, but am narrowing it down. The current choices are either an elementary school teacher or a therapist.
2) Run another half marathon and then a full. The next step would be a triathelon, but we will see...
3) Regain my spirituality and reconnect with God and Jesus. I have been gone too long. I miss it and I am lonely for it. I have maybe been going once a month - if that. But that needs to change. I have been going more and I need it. I feel so different and recharged when I do. Aaron once told me that church was for weak people who can't get by without it, so I guess I am one of those people. But I can own that.
This is a bit off the topic of goals, but I have to write this down. I know several people who are atheist or agnostic - something I can understand, to a point. But other than the basic marvels and majesty - the unnecessary beauty in the world; other than looking in my kid's eyes, here is why I believe: because when I had my first seizure I was 4 months along with Avery and nothing happened to her. I didn't fall on my stomach; it didn't happen when I was walking by the lake; it didn't happen while I was climbing rocks with the boys; it happened right on the path - right where my brother would see me.
When I had my second seizure, I had been driving the kids around all day and was moments away from walking out the door with Avery to get in the car again. Aaron just happened to be standing next to me and was able to catch Avery in one arm and me in the other.
When I had my third, it happened minutes before I would have been taking a boiling pot of pasta off the stove.
When I had my fourth, I was lucky enough to be sitting down, even though mere moments before I had been walking around with my baby girl.
I could have hurt them! I could have hurt someone else! But we are safe; we are OK! That is not coincidence, it just isn't. I don't pretend to know God's will. There are times when I think of the world and all it's tragedy and cruelty, the widespread pain and disaster and I feel so insignificant and almost arrogant to think that I am even a blip on the radar. I have no idea why some people are forced to suffer the way they do. But I know what I know. I know what I've felt, what I've seen.
Sooo...this definitely did not end up being a post about resolutions, but I have been running all that through my head for a while now and it feels really good to write it all out.
3 comments:
You aren't the only one that reads this! I do! I like your goals. I feel the same way about needing to improve so many things. Let's just start with one thing and go from there. My goal is to say more positive things to my kids instead of just getting mad at them for not doing what I ask.
Aw, thanks, friend! I haven't blogged for so long I was pretty sure no one would check it again!
I like your goal, too. I am reading 'The Happiest Toddler on the Block' and it has some great suggestions. Even though it is geared toward little ones, I read one thing that I can really apply to Gabe. It talked about respecting your child's feelings and letting them fully express themselves without cutting them off. Something I have done a lot lately. No wonder he is acting out. I will try to be more positive, too.
Hey, I haven't read your blog in a LONG time either, so I just now saw this. You made me cry! And I love you for it. I absolutely adore you! I'm so thankful that God has protected you and the kids while you've been dealing with your seizures. It is all his grace, we only need to recognize it. :)
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